ויצא תשע"ג -- VaYezte 5773

וַתַּהַר, וַתֵּלֶד בֵּן; וַתֹּאמֶר, אָסַף אֱלֹהִים אֶת-חֶרְפָּתִי. ‏

בראשית ל:כג

And she conceived, and gave birth to a son.  And she said, “G-d has gathered my shame.”

Bereshis 30:23

This verse about Rachel talks about the pain she felt before bearing her own child, and the relief she felt afterward.  To explain the shame mentioned in the verse, Rashi paraphrases part of the midrash on this verse:

רש”י:‏

‏...ואגדה כל זמן שאין לאישא בן, אין לה במי לתלות סרחונה משיש לה בן, תולה בו. מי שבר כלי זה בנך מי אכל תאנים אלו בנך.‏

Rashi:
… and the midrash (says), as long as a woman doesn’t have a child, she does not have someone on whom to hang her shame.  Once she has a child, she hangs it on him.  “Who broke this dish? Your son.  Who ate these figs? Your son.”

The original midrash is found in Bereshis Rabba:

אמר רבי לוי בר זכריה עד שלא תלד האשה אסרחון נתלה בה. לאחר שתלד האשה תלוי בבנה. מאן אכל הדא מקמתא ברך. מאן תבר הדא מקמתא אלא ברך.‏

בראשית רבה עג:ה

Rabbi Levi bar Zecharia said, as long as a woman has not given birth to a son, the shame is hung upon her.  After she has given birth, it is hung upon her son.  “Who ate this thing? Your son.  Who broke this thing? Your son?”.

Bereshis Rabbah 73:5

The basis for the midrash on the Torah verse, is the use of the word “shame” (חרפה).  The midrash as brought by Rashi, and in the original are explaining the meaning of this word as “sin” (or offense) (סרחון).  But as one commentary on Bereshis Rabbah notes, what sin is there in being unable to give birth?  It is not a moral offense, it is a problem due to natural causes (טבע).  Therefore the midrash explains that the shame which Rachel mentions relates to problems within the household, which are shameful to her, and not due to her lack of fertility.    

This meaning of this midrash seems very hard to understand.  The difficulty is that the midrash seems to be saying (לכאורה) that when things go wrong in the household (for example, eating something without permission or breaking something), and the wife is childless, it's her fault.  What makes it her fault?

To clarify the question further, is the midrash saying that she personally did the misdeed and this is why she is blameworthy?   And if so, is the midrash saying once she has a son/child, she can still do those things wrong, but now she can blame the child (even if the child didn't do it)?  That is what the midrash implies, but it's hard to believe it's the real meaning.

I didn’t find any commentaries which address those questions (or which offer a deeper understanding of this, other than defining some of the terms used).  So for now, we’ll need to use some imagination to try to understand its intent.

Perhaps the midrash is not necessarily saying that the wife herself is doing things wrong. Rather, when she has no children, she is expected to be more responsible for any household problem (even when caused by another person), because, with no children to distract her, she has more time and attention to devote to overseeing the household, and is expected to be more on top of the household items.  Once she has a child, she is now distracted with caring for the child.  So when she says "your son", she is not saying that the child literally caused the problem (eating/breaking), but rather she has a good reason why she can't prevent the damage (caused by someone else).  So this is a possible interpretation of what it means to "hang the blame upon the child".   

If we look at the midrash as above, it seems to be telling us something about the nature of a household, its expectations, and the effect of children on the mother's ability to supervise the household. However, it would be more satisfying if we could find something a little less cold and practical, and instead, more of an idea we can take to heart.

If we try to view this midrash through more of a Mussar lens, another approach might be as follows:  Let’s assume that it is the wife who ate or broke the thing in question.  When the midrash says "who ate this thing?", it's the husband asking his wife.  And when the midrash says "your child", it is the mother answering to her husband.  And her answer (and also probably his question), contain a smile for both of them, because, even though the mother still did something wrong, they are both so happy to have a baby that they can happily ascribe the fault to the influence of the child on the mother.